Stuff I find funny
Did you know it was a Welshman that came up with the idea of using a sheep's intestine as a condom, the first one. It was an Englishman that suggested taking it out of the sheep first.
My neighbour just came over and told me his wife's been having an affair with Alex, our postman. I said "What, that fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "Yes", he replied. "Why would Alex want to shag that?"
Do you know I often give my wife flowers, and the c***dren teddy bears. Yeah, living near an accident blackspot has its advantages.
My ex-wife took a taxi once, but realised when they pulled in she'd forgotten her purse. Quick as a flash she whipped her knickers off and flashed him her growler. He took one look and said 'do you have anything smaller?'
On “League Of Gentlemen” there's a scene of a hearse driving up this road, with loads of flowers propped up against the coffin. Spelling out BASTARD.
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat ‘em like candy.” The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.” The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hangin’ out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat.”
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she’d been in a c*** for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to her. To which the man replies: "She choked.”
GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH HIS PET MONKEY. HE ORDERS A DRINK, AND WHILE HE'S DRINKING, THE MONKEY JUMPS ALL OVER THE PLACE, EATING EVERYTHING BEHIND THE BAR. THEN THE MONKEY JUMPS ON TO THE POOL TABLE AND SWALLOWS A BILLIARD BALL.
THE BARTENDER SCREAMS AT THE GUY, "YOUR MONKEY JUST ATE THE CUE BALL OFF MY POOL TABLE -- WHOLE!"
"SORRY," REPLIED THE GUY. "HE EATS EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, THE LITTLE BASTARD. I'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING."
THE MAN FINISHES HIS DRINK, PAYS AND LEAVES.
TWO WEEKS LATER, HE'S IN THE BAR WITH HIS PET MONKEY, AGAIN. HE ORDERS A DRINK, AND THE MONKEY STARTS RUNNING AROUND THE BAR. THE MONKEY FINDS A MARASCHINO CHERRY ON THE BAR. HE GRABS IT, STICKS IT UP HIS ASS, PULLS IT OUT AND EATS IT.
THE BARTENDER IS DISGUSTED. "DID YOU SEE WHAT YOUR MONKEY DID NOW?" HE ASKS.
"YEAH," REPLIES THE GUY. "HE STILL EATS EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, BUT EVER SINCE HE SWALLOWED THAT CUE BALL, HE MEASURES STUFF FIRST.”
A guy goes to see a nurse with a problem with his penis. She asks him what the issue is. He's worried she'll laugh at him. "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
My neighbour just came over and told me his wife's been having an affair with Alex, our postman. I said "What, that fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "Yes", he replied. "Why would Alex want to shag that?"
Do you know I often give my wife flowers, and the c***dren teddy bears. Yeah, living near an accident blackspot has its advantages.
My ex-wife took a taxi once, but realised when they pulled in she'd forgotten her purse. Quick as a flash she whipped her knickers off and flashed him her growler. He took one look and said 'do you have anything smaller?'
On “League Of Gentlemen” there's a scene of a hearse driving up this road, with loads of flowers propped up against the coffin. Spelling out BASTARD.
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat ‘em like candy.” The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.” The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hangin’ out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat.”
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she’d been in a c*** for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to her. To which the man replies: "She choked.”
GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH HIS PET MONKEY. HE ORDERS A DRINK, AND WHILE HE'S DRINKING, THE MONKEY JUMPS ALL OVER THE PLACE, EATING EVERYTHING BEHIND THE BAR. THEN THE MONKEY JUMPS ON TO THE POOL TABLE AND SWALLOWS A BILLIARD BALL.
THE BARTENDER SCREAMS AT THE GUY, "YOUR MONKEY JUST ATE THE CUE BALL OFF MY POOL TABLE -- WHOLE!"
"SORRY," REPLIED THE GUY. "HE EATS EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, THE LITTLE BASTARD. I'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING."
THE MAN FINISHES HIS DRINK, PAYS AND LEAVES.
TWO WEEKS LATER, HE'S IN THE BAR WITH HIS PET MONKEY, AGAIN. HE ORDERS A DRINK, AND THE MONKEY STARTS RUNNING AROUND THE BAR. THE MONKEY FINDS A MARASCHINO CHERRY ON THE BAR. HE GRABS IT, STICKS IT UP HIS ASS, PULLS IT OUT AND EATS IT.
THE BARTENDER IS DISGUSTED. "DID YOU SEE WHAT YOUR MONKEY DID NOW?" HE ASKS.
"YEAH," REPLIES THE GUY. "HE STILL EATS EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, BUT EVER SINCE HE SWALLOWED THAT CUE BALL, HE MEASURES STUFF FIRST.”
A guy goes to see a nurse with a problem with his penis. She asks him what the issue is. He's worried she'll laugh at him. "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
1 年 前
