What my disorder does to me

First of all I have to thank bukkakeslutsforever. He's such a twisted pervert who loves things like cum gurgling. And he's also a great guy who can cheer me up when I'm not myself. I had a person I've been friends with for about a week send me some message like 'It looks like you don't have time for me with all your admirers. It was fun while it lasted. Best of luck to you.' I made it so clear at the top of my profile that I hit a depression and I also had another mental health issue and I would miss messages. I made it clear that my failure to respond had nothing to do with my large number of friends contacting me too much. Jesus Christ people, this is a porn site. I don't know how many friends I have. We'll say 12,000. 11,900 of the people on that list will not contact me. They may contact me once. I get a request to be on a newsfeed that alerts them if I post new pics. Those 11,900 men may see those pics and never comment. I've got big tits and I show my face. If 12,000 people actually contacted me each night my head would spin around like the exorcist.

I'm guessing one hundred people at any point in time may contact me. The list changes. People chat with me for a week and move on. New people replace them. It's a goddamn revolving door. I'm lucky if 20 people give a damn about me and have high hopes of being a part of my world. 'Mr. It was nice while it lasted' simply had to be patient a few more days for my chemical imbalance to get better. It can take me three to five days where I feel like I just took a triple dose of nyquil before I'm back to normal. I'm thinking so slowly. My typing is in slow motion. I struggle to complete a sentence. I am honest about having a disability. Writing me 'it was nice while it lasted' was the same thing as telling someone in a wheelchair 'we can't be friends because you're not matching my pace, and I won't slow down to be your friend.' A mental disability is always comparable to a physical impairment which makes something way too difficult or impossible.

Tonight, I couldn't answer messages because I needed the company of bukkakeslutsforever because he will slow down to walk with me. We can talk about double penetration or antiques. Usually, my early evening involves chatting with him and accepting friend requests. He knows about my other problem. He doesn't know how bad it is. No one does. It's my elephant in the room.. It's not bad when I'm hypomanic. When I'm depressed it's so damn bad I don't want to know the gravity of the situation. Bukkake goes to bed around midnight and that's when it starts. All I want to do is answer messages or write. That isn't possible right now for a fucked up reason. The chances of you meeting someone else like me are so rare it is almost impossible.

I don't know when it started. At some point I couldn't do something like climb my stairs or stand up after I took a piss. My shrink and I assumed it was depression. That problem is why I take the maximum dose of adderall. Nothing stopped the fact I would get stuck in places like a doorway and stand motionless for around five minutes. I could tell you about the first few times I entered a fugue state. My problem became an elephant one night when I was driving home from my friend's house and suddenly I snapped into awareness parked in my old church parking lot on the other side of town. I honestly considered alien a*****ion because so much time had passed and I had total amnesia. All I could do was start driving home. I snapped into awareness at a liquor store on the other side of town. Apparently my brain wanted jesus and hard liquor that night. I freaked out but, my mom wrote it off as a one time thing. So did my shrink.

Weeks later I was in the staples parking lot. I came to awareness after I slammed into an suv I had to be blind not to see. As a side note, we got too poor to pay the car insurance and a truck rear ended me so hard I got knocked into oncoming traffic and the man who hit me hauled ass. My mom's really nice car has five thousand dollars worth of damage to the back. I hit the suv so hard, our poor car is something you have to see to believe. I don't think I can officially blame the next car issue on blacking out. I ran over a wrought iron chair in our yard. I did more damage with a chair than an suv. The only reason that car is still driving is that my mom has the front bumper held up with several bungee cords. I destroy nice things.

Back to the issue, I may have discussed this in another blog. Four or five months ago I was watching a scary movie and suddenly my mom was hovering over me more freaked out than I've ever seen her look. I just kept telling her 'I'm fine.' 'Nothing happened.' She thought I was laughing really hard and she wanted to know what was so funny. At first she thought I was choking. She's been a nurse 25 years and she knew I was having the most intense grand mal seizure she ever saw. It was a long seizure. I kept telling her 'nothing happened,' and I realized I wasn't breathing right. I realized I pulled a calf muscle. I realized my head was foggy. I think the scariest thing was looking at my computer knowing I'd only watched thirty minutes of that movie on netflix before something happened. The movie was over. I knew something was really wrong with me.

I called my shrink the next day and he was certain it was a xanax withdrawal seizure. I still had xanax in my system when it happened. I wanted to believe him. One week later, I woke up in the middle of the night and I'd pissed the bed and my head was real foggy and my breathing was fucked up. I've never pissed the bed. I know it was a seizure. That week I started watching the second season of hemlock grove. I had no clue what was happening with the plot. I blacked out and missed hours and hours of that show. I called my shrink and we talked about what was happening to me and I went back to those first problems getting off the toilet. He suddenly said 'people with PTSD complain of that exact problem. What's happening to you is related to your PTSD. Some kind of trauma is giving you what is known as a 'dissociative disorder.' He told me it was rare. He told me my case was severe because most people never actually have seizures. My shrink was honest. He told me my best bet was to research it online.

The first thing I want to be clear about is that I do not have 'dissociative identity disorder' which is the new name for a person with multiple personalities. I can't define myself as only having dissociative amnesia or dissociative fugue. I do not know if I have any issues with dissociatve depersonalization. This page is meant for you to grasp that I'm not full of shit. I do lose time, memory and awareness. I can not see, hear, speak or feel. I have complete amnesia that I entered this state.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder

Yes, I was not safe at home. My older brother beat the shit out of me. I don't know what he did to me before my memory formed. Later in life I had more trauma and I was not safe at home. I went through something too hard to fully comprehend even 15 years later. And I'm not one of the people who fake amnesia to avoid prison. One friend I no longer speak to saw me enter a fugue state and he shook me, screamed at me and he thought I had a stroke. That was the beginning of the end of our friendship. I clearly had mental problems he witnessed first hand. Some people associate a mental illness like what I have as affirmation that anything I say or do is caused by inferior intelligence and judgement. So I don't like sharing things like this link.

I'm going to provide another link which basically describes the same disorders but has this in the text: 'dissociative amnesia, patients may present with unexplained, non-epileptic seizures, paralyses or sensory loss.'

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders

I knew I lost time, memory, awareness, had sensory loss and I had paralyses. I thought the seizure was a one time thing. Maybe two months ago my internet went out. I do stay online if I'm awake. I'm pretty damn scared of television. I made plans to write. I was pissed at the internet company my mom happened to see me hit the couch and have an even more intense seizure than the first one she witnessed. It's the strangest thing because I have total amnesia. My mom just happened to see those two seizures. I don't know how many I've had. The elephant in the room is sometimes feeling my breathing seem off rhythm and feeling foggy. I do know I'm losing time. I quit chatting with bukkakeslutsforever and hours go by and I'm on the same message. I don't know what happens to me from midnight to dawn. I may lose ten minutes here and there. I don't look at the clock. You wouldn't either.

I may lose some time when I'm hypomanic. I lose a lot of time when I'm in a depression. Mr. it was nice while it lasted should try to understand that not that many people contact me. I'm sitting in front of a computer in some twisted psychological break and I don't know how long I was out or what I did before I went out. That's a big motherfucking elaphent. I'm busted. I have made minor problems seem like the reason I wasn't replying. For the record, I genuinely had a day of puking and something is making my computer run slow. The real problem is that I don't know where my night goes. This amnesia time loss will mostly stop when I beat this depression. I'm always going to go missing for three to five days when a depression makes me too tired to be the friend I want to be. If you can't be patient, delete me and have a great life.. I'm going to lose time and have amnesia. If you can't be patent, delete me and have a great life.

I don't miss messages on purpose. You may have to keep reminding me you're waiting for a response. You are not pestering me. My short term memory is now fucked up. I don't want anyone to pity me. I'm not looking for attention. I'm not seeking validation. Don't send me letters that tell me you give up on me and it was nice while it lasted. Maybe you can't wait two days for a response. Maybe you need to give me two hours to reply with some verbal ass-licking apology while begging you for not to give up on me. This is a porn site. You can revolve your happy ass off my page and you will be replaced and forgotten. If you can't comprehend I will have depressions and your 'hey hru?' message wont be answered because I'm likely in a state of paralysis delete me. I don't need 'it was nice while it lasted. have a nice life' as a message. Delete me. Don't send that message insulting me for depression and amnesia. Fuck you if you sent that message, you planned to or you thought about it..

发布者 halinaplays

9 年前

pt4utoo 9 年前

I get that way after my shots. I go to sleep sometimes for days.

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Letmehavit 9 年前

Well said....

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Rottencrotch 9 年前

Mental health... most people don't get it. I do. Best wishes.

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bb49 9 年前

Hey Lynn, I wanted to ask you if you've ever been tested for food alergies, some people are hypersensitive to artificial colorings and flavorings, these shouldn't be in food to begin with, also preservatives can have a disabling effect on some people, glutimates(called "natural flavorings,nothing natural about them, other then they can come from plants, but so can arsenic or other poisons), Remember it's not how much we b eat but what we eat, burgers from fast food placeshave between 1% to 4% actual beef, the rest a concoction of chemicals some of which are extremely toxic and not used in other countries, but here in the US, where are our government positions are given to the highest bidder, these chemicals are used to save corporations money, please consider this information seriously, message me if you have any questions, this is just a light skim, this rabbit hole runs very deep, I can generally advise you nutritionally and point you to some places you might find some long awaited answers!!!!!

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60ssexmoviechannel 9 年前

i understand you have a disorder that makes you permanently horny so one would assume that you rather change your 100 thousand "friends" on XRMXX for a ever hard cock to keep you warm and wet through all grim winter nights

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至 halinaplays : I think I do understand.I come here to look like anyone else, but at the same time I wish I could really get to know some in a real way. The dirty comments can be fun, but it doesn't have to only be about that. I'm sorry that few can understand that. You seem like someone worth knowing beyond what this site is, and I'm sorry about the problems you've described and what it has done to you. I hope the seizures stop and you are able to continue to feel free to write and talk about the things that matter to you. The ability to block is a good feature :)

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CarrieAnne21 9 年前

至 halinaplays : I sent you a pm response

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kking375 9 年前

wow, I hope you get a handle on the issues that is causing you to lose time. I have had little spells like this. but nothing to the great effect you have. My thought and prayers go out to you.

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kalprimal 9 年前

Hi Lynn, your a hell of a woman not just because your uber attractive, and 100% fuckable, but because your real, honest and genuine. I am glad to hear you are feeling better, and it's shit to think that people sometimes don't comprehend how difficult things can be for others and so they give up on them. You truly are a light in the darkness, fuck'em, your better off without them anyways

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epic3min4 9 年前

You amaze me Lynn. With all that is going on with you and your life, you are still so kind and considerate of others. Well most others, scumbag trolls not included. Hope this depression is short lived. Miss you Your friend, Tom

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daviea9 9 年前

Not easy my dear. I wish I could help you, but I care.

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bagheera333420 9 年前

至 halinaplays : My sweet Lynn, while I am happy to hear that your discussion of your disorder gave you the courage to discuss it in the more public forum please do not feel like you are obligated to explain your absence, I understand. Your absence just made me worry, especially the way your last PM ended. While I have never experienced time loss as you are I do understand the time dilation that can come with depression. My social anxiety and depression led me to being a shut-in for 2 years and despite having a living room full of "friends" it was a period of my life in which I never felt more alone. I could not explain what was going on with me to anyone in my life. I was ostracized from my family, my friends were so wrapped up in their own worlds to see what was going on with me, and I almost ended it all. Having been there is the reason for my concern for you. While I have not necessarily walked in your shoes I can empathize, so please do not feel that I need an explanation, I understand. Please do not feel that you have to hide your struggles writing, I understand. If you have a format or location that your computer would be more comfortable with our communication let me know, I understand. And just remember, mistakes are what make us human, and that one is already forgiven and forgotten. Your dearest, Baggy

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ApacheX 9 年前

至 halinaplays : I didn't believe you to be one of those people who believed meds to be pushed on to people, I just didn't want to touch a nerve seeing as we just met and I don't know very much about you :P You seem very intelligent though and I figured as such. I'm sorry about your past. I can't say and won't pretend that I understand the troubles you've gone and go through. As far as meds, what angers me the most is that the US pharma companies basically and blatantly treat medical conditions as a commodity. We are the only country that feels the need to advertise medication. Television, billboards, magazines... all to make $$ off of people like yourself who require them to feel balanced and even more people who shouldn't if they'd (like you said) make lifestyle changes. Me personally, I wish I cannabis helped me, I really truly do. I just love it. The smell, the look, the taste... It's the most beautiful plant to me. I used to smoke (A LOT) of weed when I was younger but as I grew older, it seemed to cause more harm than good (mainly anxiety both personally and socially, let alone all the money I poured into it). I've found something that helps me which is also now starting to get medical recognition, but it's a long way until it's approved medically and legally. I believe it to not be the healthiest option, also not the worst, but for the time being it's what seems to help. I don't plan on doing it for very much long either. I've started hearing about strains of cannabis that may help me though. I think the problem with my cannabis use was the strain, as it was street level (before medical was even approved in my state) and I had no idea what strain or quality I was getting. Maybe one day soon I'll be able to figure out a way to try and find a medical card or even better it becomes legalized, which looks to be likely in the foreseeable future. I didn't want to make this post too long, I'm sorry lol

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 witchlegs48 : Awe my sweet lady with those wonderful witch legs that cast a spell on so many people. I'm no genius. This blog was awkward and not something I take pride in. I've been writing such a long time. I've always been able to write something well and be rewarded with recognition. Some people can play music or dance with such ease. I have writing. I've also practiced writing better my whole life through journals and then blogs. Usually, nothing makes me happier than a new post. Writing this was torture because I'm embarrassed I have a condition that makes me lose time. I'm embarrassed I can't remember simple things. I wrote about it so anyone who thought I missed messages from too much contact could realize I didn't respond because I was in and out like someone with bad narcolepsy. I focus on the positive things I've achieved. Being hypomanic has allowed me to do somethings that has made people call me a genius. I'm well-educated. I have pulled off amazing academic success with very little effort. I could bitch about abuse, trauma and depression. I prefer to tell people the benefits of mania far outweigh the negativity of depression. I have been given a gift. For most of my life I used my gift despite trauma, abuse and neglect to do great things. The reward was better knowing I had to work harder than most people ever dreamed. I will get through this rough patch and still keep working hard to pursue my dreams. Thank You for reading my blog xxx lynn

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Bukkakeslutsforever 9 年前

至 halinaplays : It would be my pleasure, dearheart

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 bagheera333420 : My dearest Baggy, I couldn't have written this blog if I hadn't explained this disorder to you first. You were the primary person who deserved to know why I was missing messages. I felt a lot better after I told you. I knew you understood I was losing time and it was driving me crazy. I probably didn't tell you how much time I was truly losing. I have no clue. Since this depression hit my nights have been a blur where it seemed like midnight and one hour later it was five am. It was fucked up. I felt like giving up on this page. I had to try to tell people about my problem. I'm so tired all of a sudden and I know it's just depression. I have such a failure with my memory I know I had to end a letter to you abruptly. I remember quickly typing 'I've been summoned, I'll be back as soon as possible' It's the little things in life that bother me. I can't remember if my mom needed me or my boyfriend was calling. And I didn't remember to finish that letter where I was going to talk to you about the problem that is making your heart sad. It bothers me that I'm not being the kind of friend I want to be. It bothers me that I'm not being the kind of friend you deserve. I know this night was a step forward. I didn't accept one friend or even look at picture/page comments and PM's. I knew this night would be devoted to people who read this blog and were kind enough to say something to me. Some nights I won't accept any correspondence so I can write erotica. I was trying to be courteous to people because I'm usually very nice. I wasn't focused on the twenty real friends I have. I think it was because I didn't want someone like you to see me struggle to write. I also do have issues with a slow computer that won't cooperate with PM messages. But, don't think for a minute I would allow our chats to cease being private. I've been a wreck yet we still bonded....and you forgave me for that whole 'thinking you were a woman misunderstanding.' That had nothing to do with mental illness. That was just me fucking up...sort of like running over a wrought iron chair. I can't blame all my mistakes on disorders. Big hug and kiss xxx lynn

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 RoeRoe77 : You will appreciate this. A woman met me as soon as she joined the site and we bonded. I couldn't give her as much time as I wanted to. She read my blog and wrote a sweet message. Around two am she retired her account. Real women are dropping off this site like flies. I've left for very long stretches of time because of the way men behaved. I'm so damn mad right now I could probably scream. I have not answered any friend requests, comments on my page/pictures or PM's. My depression is better and I decided this entire night would be spent writing people who commented on this blog. I was overestimating when I said 20 people would comment. It looks like I have over 12,000 friends. There is only going to be a revolving group of 20 people in my life. I kind of like it that way. I know I will probably accept 500-700 friends and endure bullshit in hopes of meeting one person that is as cool as the lady who retired after two weeks here. I've been hiding in my blog zone feeling totally secure and free from harassment until a few minutes ago. I poured out my biggest secret about a problem no one should face. It should not be possible for traumatic repressed memories to make you lose time, make your memory fail and cause seizures. I wrote this for all the people who feel entitled to my attention. I just got this for a blog comment: I'm not gunna lie id fuck u so hard ur bra strap would pop and Id act like it never happend :) I know why that poor woman retired her account. I'm not even safe from complete morons in a blog about mental illness. It's like there is GPS on my page that I'm hiding out in my blog. What kind of man hits on a girl by saying he'd fuck her so hard her bra strap would snap? I come here for twenty people. This douche is not someone I accepted as a friend. I'm not locking my profile up like fort knox. I am going to start getting mean and blocking a whole bunch of morons. I'm not deleting that comment because it cracks me up....and you probably understand xxx lynn

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It must be hard hun I can't even imagine how hard but as I said you take as much time as you need I ain't going no where .....be here for a chat when ever your ready ...Please tc of ur self and I sincerely hope we chat soon xx

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 paul9617 : Thank you darling, I'm so glad you read this because you've been trying to reach me and I couldn't respond. I wasn't responding to anyone. I was in denial. I don't know when this depression started. I had to accept that my nights were a blur where I accomplished nothing of merit. I took on simple task like accepting a friend request, complimenting pictures and typing a thank you statement. I would end up looking at the clock in horror that it was five am when it felt like it should be two am each night. I didn't want to accept time loss. Having amnesia is strange. I know it's not easy for me to write this message because my brain is slowing down and my thinking is cloudy. I am repeating myself lately. I'm forgetting conversations I had. I'm not recognizing avatars and names. I hate having my memory fail. I can only hope this depression ends and so will constant dissociation. I'm going to have good nights and bad nights. I have focused this entire night on the people who commented on this blog because no one else is worth my time when I fight depression. I had my priorities all screwed up. I took on easy, mindless tasks and people worth my time were put on hold because I was fighting a clock to do as much as possible. I should've done what was important and spend time on people like you xxx lynn

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zmt1994 9 年前

I'm not gunna lie id fuck u so hard ur bra strap would pop and Id act like it never happend ; )

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 jchin1337 : My dearest friend, you were one of many people I hoped would read this blog. I may have told you about the dissociation. That's the real bitch of this situation. My memory is failing me big time. I forget who I intended to reply to when I wake. I repeat myself. I've been in denial, that these black outs are happening. I've been accepting friend requests because I could do that in my sleep and looking at content was the kind of stimulation keeping me awake. I'm better tonight. I wasn't able to write a decent response like you deserved. Writing a letter like this is something I enjoy. It's also a trigger for blacking out mid-sentence with no clue I lost ten minutes. So my time was stupidly wasted doing things like leaving the comment 'you're welcome. I hope you keep in touch' a bizzillion times to someone who thanked me for a friend request. That was an ignorant thing to do with what precious time I have. I may need reminders to reply as if I have alzheimer's. My lawyer is going to plead my disability case convincing the judge this dissociation is exactly the same an an early onset of alzheimer's because I'm doing stuff like driving around aimlessly and forgetting very basic things. It really fucking sucks. It could be worse. I may keep you waiting. I do promise you will get a reply from my heart. That you will get my full attention and I'll write long messages hopefully to brighten your day xxx lynn

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

I love you too sweetheart. My dearest granny lover, that caught my attention immediately. I may miss your messages sometimes. Now you know it's a mental problem and not because I'm taking on too many friends. Like I stated there were roughly 20 people who read this blog and commented. My world revolves around twenty people. I'm taking in five hundred new friends to meet one person who may actually read a blog. That is amusing. Tonight, I haven't accepted any friends or replied to one single page/picture comment or PM. This night is devoted to friends like you. If I miss your messages it's because part of my night was taken from me. And I hope you'll keep messaging me. My memory is failing me and I don't remember who I intended to contact. As if I have alzheimer's you may have to remind me more than once that your trying to get in touch with me. But, never doubt that I love and appreciate you xxx lynn

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

You are certainly one of the people I hoped read this. I did fail to keep up my end of the correspondence. I hinted in my profile that something was wrong with me that affected me in strange ways. I edit my profile all the time and added the fact I have a disorder affecting my ability to respond. Even my boyfriend doesn't know how often I think I lose time. I don't want to worry him. There's nothing he can do. I've been dealing with dissociation for so long I forget it isn't normal to lose five minutes before I climb my stairs. I am not worried about this problem because I quit driving and I don't think a seizure will kill me. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I get embarrassed when it comes to talking about somethings. I do not like to talk about the fucked up way I act when social anxiety takes over. I don't want people to think I'm a hypochondriac when I say I have PTSD. Some assholes think the only people with a right to have that diagnosis faced combat. I will talk about what gave me PTSD. It's something I don't want people to misunderstand. It's embarrassing to tell a new friend you have a psychological issue with trauma that makes you lose time, awareness and memory. It's embarrassing that the disorder is classified with what causes multiple personalities. It's embarrassing that even the wiki page says people fake dissociative amnesia as a get out of jail free card. It's not fun being an exceedingly well-educated young woman forced to go on disability because of multiple mental illnesses. I could just say 'I'm an artist' and avoid the embarrassment of admitting my problems. I make friends like you because I am honest. I should've told you a few weeks ago about losing time. I tried so hard to beat this problem so this blog wasn't needed. I was losing so much time I couldn't do a damn thing. I feel better now that I admitted the problem. I know it seemed like I was too busy to treat new friends right. I actually ended up accepting friend requests because I could 'literally' do that in my sleep. It was also more stimulation than writing a letter. I am better tonight. I'm thinking clearly and this whole night has been devoted to the twenty people who commented on this blog. I know I've let you down. I may let you down again and again. I'm going to try not to do that. I just want you to know I made a real connection with you. For the first time in my life, my memory is failing. I would simply forget to reply to people who put the most effort into meeting me. I have to change things. Tonight, I've not answered one single friend request, comment or pm. I only wanted to thank people like you who are willing to be patient with me as I adapt from trying to please everyone to only pleasing people who are patient and actually very loving...I do fall in love with the people in my inner circle. It's not let's get married and have babies love. It's just loving a person who really cares about you. x lynn

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 CarrieAnne21 : CarrieAnne, you need to stop playing in my mind and finding out things like 'Hatchet' being something I got yelled at for reading ahead of the rest of my class while dumb kids read it out loud real slow. I know what comes next. You're going to slam me with 'a wrinkle in time quote' that makes me cry. I love these exchanges. I'm so not going on a good site with profound sources. I am ending up with quotes from celebrities that I love. I saw the first one and thought 'that's perfect.' Yet, I got sucked into quoteland. I lost as much time as a typical black-out. Way more fun though. Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. John Mayer I still have highs and lows, just like any other person. What's missing is the lack of control over the super highs, which became destructive, and the super lows, which are immediately destructive. Patty Duke What a mysterious thing madness is. I have watched patients whose lips are forever sealed in a perpetual silence. They live, breathe, eat; the human form is there, but that something, which the body can live without, but which cannot exist without the body, was missing. Nellie Bly We all have times when we go home at night and pull out our hair and feel misunderstood and lonely and like we're falling. I think the brain is such that there is always going to be something missing. Jude Law

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

My dearest friend, first of all my boyfriend was truly flattered by your friend request. I also told him what you said about his cadence and rhythm and it floored him to get such a compliment. I can't thank you enough. I knew you were special from the first message you wrote me. I'm not always able to reply. I am almost out of this round of depression. I don't think I've blacked out tonight. For about four or five days, I was in and out to the point I felt like giving up. You can't just tell an average person 'look man, my life was nothing but trauma. Now when I come close to remembering some unknown horror, I lose time, memory and awareness. As an added bonus, I have complete amnesia that I lost time. My fucking short term memory is gone. And if something like my internet malfunctions and I have nothing to do, I have a massive seizure.' People aren't going to believe me. I posted the links so anyone who wants to know why I haven't replied can fucking read about the reason on wikipedia. That's all I can do. It's enough. Real friends will simply know I miss messages. They will also know when I do reply it comes straight from the heart. I reassure someone like you that I will respond to what's waiting for me in the PM box. Some nights, I can't be here for people. You know I'd be here 24/7 if possible. I can't stop dissociation. I can explain it and hope for support. love ya man xxx lynn

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I'm so sorry that you have to deal with the issues that you do, and I'm sorry that many people don't or won't try to understand them. I can relate in some ways, but I don't have any clue in others. That doesn't mean that I'll stop trying. I've only known you a short time, but I care about you a great deal, and I feel lucky to have you as a friend. I will always do my best to be here when you need someone, and to be patient if you're not able to talk at the time. <3

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 mike0207 : Thank you my friend for being one of my 20 true friends tonight. It's a revolving door and I enjoy seeing new faces who are willing to voice an opinion. My real friends are amazing. I'll hit a depression and get about a hundred versions of 'it was fun while it lasted.' I can't make people understand my mental illness means I can't always reply. You don't have to say anything to make me feel better, sweetheart. People may possibly grasp I miss messages due to depression. Nearly no one is going to read this blog and grasp that I lose time, memory and awareness due to dissociation. They will assume they are being ignored. I'm going to keep blacking out and have nights when no one gets a response. At least you made an effort to find out why I can't respond all the time. thank you xxx lynn

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 MyDIckOut : My dearest friend, you've been by my side a long time. The revolving door aspect of my world cracks me up. I get used to someone and they disappear. I'm a flavor of the week. They usually flake out on me for not responding. Every time I hit a depression about a hundred people bleep off my radar and I laugh. By my next depression I've added at least a thousand new candidates for friendship. My revolving door has you and maybe two other people who've known me a long time. These are all new friends. We should place bets on who will comment on a blog I write one month from now. It keeps my life entertaining. I'm having the literary equivalent of one night stands. And you're my official friends with benefits. I have decided to make changes. My writing has to come first. I got so caught up in cyber slut secretarial duties like keeping slots open in my friend request box, I stopped replying to blog comments. I deserved to have some people exit my revolving door. I beat this depression. I haven't accepted any friends, or looked at any comments or pm's tonight. My sole goal is a good reply to my flings and lovers like you who will comment on my blog. Everybody else has to wait. Fuck 'em. I've got around twenty people who love me for who I am. I'm good to go. I will give people a chance when I don't feel like writing. I'm tired of pressure. And the nagging 'can you chat?' from men who ask me things like 'what are you wearing?' or 'Do you like small penises?' This cyber slut has had enough. I'm blacking out now and time is precious. No more HRU. Love you sweetheart. xxx lynn

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 MyGenerousLove : He could no longer work after that fight. He fell into a bottle. He was killed pulling out of a burger king while drunk not long after the incident. I may never have to fight another man. I may end up fighting many men. I was abused, but I learned how to fight. I got strength from abuse. I am stuck with dissociation. I guess one part of me is a scared little girl who needs help. I hate my brother for that. I never felt safe at home. All the research I did about dissociation talked about small children not being safe. I am always going to be vulnerable because of that reason. At the same time, I'm also one mean bitch you don't want to fuck with. And I'm grateful that I ended up this way. Thanks for reading xxx lynn

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halinaplays 出版商 9 年前

至 MyGenerousLove : Thank you my friend. I know this is beside the point. You entered my inner circle because I'm not like the majority of people who will not befriend someone who doesn't have an avatar. I hate that people who choose to be a blank slate aren't given a chance. It's one of my pet peeves. I got the number right. 11,980 did not read and comment on this blog. You can now understand my world is an illusion. It looks like it includes more than 12,000 people. It's a small world after all. At any point in time I have about twenty friends. I give everyone who isn't a pervert creep a chance to be in my world. I live the most isolated life a person should ever experience. I let people in. to break that isolation. And I'm glad you understand. Now, you know that anyone who thinks I'm a friend collector doesn't realize it can take 12,000 people to create a world with twenty real friends. The fucked up thing is that my twenty real friends are a revolving door. A lesser person would feel abandoned. I simply accept five hundred new friends and find a replacement. Kind of funny in a twisted way. You could hear me talk about my life and feel such sadness about what happened to me. One boy revolved through my door and took up my precious time for a week and all I remember was telling him too much about me because he simply wrote 'you're truly cursed.' I hated him at that moment. He got a speech about God giving a person obstacles to make them into a stronger person. Many people have done horrible things to me. My brother was the worst. I had to reach a point where I turned my anger into gratitude. Don't get me wrong. I'd like to shoot him in the face. My mom was listening to me basically cry about no one helping me and she said 'at least he taught you how to fight.' I was a victim and then I learned how to beat the fuck out of my brother. By ten, my method of assault was a sock filled with rolls of quarters or a bar of soap. I won the war our final fight when I was seventeen and I turned every part of his face black and blue. My aunt felt sorry for him and paid for him to get an apartment, new furniture, even a new tv, despite the fact he punched me first for no reason. I can honestly say no man will ever scare me. I have taken on men that had a reputation for fighting and dared them to fuck with me. One man wasn't even provoked and he started to choke me out. If I had not been a victim of abuse, I'd be dead. He was a big strong dude and I was trapped in the backseat of a car. I tapped into rage he didn't understand. His bad luck was my set of acrylic nails. I ripped his face to shreds and he was scarred for the rest of his life. Worst of all, he let go of my neck when I got my finger deep in his eye. Instinct, took over and I bit his hand. A normal chick would've quit biting as he screamed in agony. I almost broke my jaw before I let go breaking tiny bones, ligaments and more. He was destroyed.

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