Memory wiped clean

Last night was hard. I got shitfaced from the last of the vodka that I bought for hurricane Irma. The storm was the highlight of what I thought was a relationship. I must admit it was kind of nice to sit on my couch naked while drinking hard liquor. I watched two shitty sci-fi movies. I did manage to chat with a few people. I stopped trying because I reached the point where writing was difficult. I was determined not to take more sleeping medicine. Fantasies about some possible future where I am happy and I've done something important, played in my head like a movie all night long.

Things go blank. I know jaw pain woke me up. I know that I wasn't thinking clearly. I know what's happened when my jaw feels that way. I was in denial until I realized my bed was wet. The embarrassing thing about a seizure always involves the fact that I pee. My mom came into my room and told me my grandma even said 'she would've told him to go to hell.' I had to tell her I had a seizure. And then I actually had to ask her what exactly chris did wrong for me to end things? She had to remind me it was the fact he wouldn't take me out in public to go to a concert. That clicked in my head as the correct information. I just had no memory of it happening. To be honest, I didn't remember anything about the last 250 days when it came to him. I talked about my memory getting wiped clean. It is not usually completely removed after a seizure. It is kind of funny. The first night we met up again and started this, I had a seizure that afternoon and totaled my car. It seems right that everything ends with another seizure.

I am working on my health after someone here on xhamster let me know about a genetic mutation that is known to cause every single health problem I've had. I've started treatment. I am better. I hoped the issue of seizures would end when I corrected the chemical imbalance in my brain if that gene mutation is my problem. The supplement is l-methyl-folate. The gene mutation is MTHFR. Please let me know if you've heard of it or tried to treat it through diet and exercise. I don't know if my issue with dissociation is psychological or physiological. It doesn't matter. Dissociation is a coping mechanism that is rarely available to adults. In my current situation, it's a gift. I feel numb. I don't feel anything.

I wrote one of my closest friends a letter explaining what happened during the storm and how things ended with my neighbor. Some memories returned. They didn't seem real. It's like my brain turned the events of my life into a movie. That could be a wonderful gift if I ever do sit down and write a book. I always look on the bright side.

I have to be honest that when I have a seizure, it's a lot like rebooting a computer. I lost more of my memory than what concerned chris. I was writing my friend a letter and I drew a blank on whether he was a musician. I'm horrified because right now, I do not know his name. It's been taken away from me. There are a good amount of people I should be chatting with right now. There are good friends who need to know that I'm okay. I never let anyone know how much of my memory goes missing. Good friends don't need to know that information. I can often read a chat history and have absolutely no recollection of what was written. I am a smart girl. I can usually hide that from people.

I've had friends who've stuck with me for years. I do not forget their avatars or screen names. On a day like this, I won't remember many real names. I will struggle to remember things like where a person lives or what they do for a living. I forget personal requests. People get angry at me when they don't get a response. I do try to keep conversation going. Today, every detail in my brain is fuzzy. I think details will come back. I can't be certain. I can give people the warning that I might seem distant. It's not intentional.

Just know that I'm feeling pretty good. I don't have the ability to think quickly. This damn blog is taking me forever to write. I know this kind of blog has no merit on a porn site. I do have the freedom not to look for another forum to blog now that i'm single. I have only been using this blog to tell many people at once the same basic message. It's only been little updates about life for a long time. I'm going to sleep most of the day. I'm not clear headed. I don't want to be clear headed. Tomorrow, I'm going to the market. Life goes on.

I'll reach some point where i feel happy again. It won't take me long. When that happens, I'll move back to the subject of sex. I don't have to feel fear that I push boundaries that hurt loved ones. Chris was the last person in real life left to love. I remember thinking last night, if my sexual adventures in this small town were recorded in a little black book, chris was the last entry. Of all the men I grew up with, I always wanted to be with him the most. I got what I wanted. My memory has been annihilated to this weird place where my only thought is 'things weren't all bad.' There was much good in what we had. He might not remember it. To be honest, he was too damn drunk half the time. I know that if I hadn't had something like a seizure, I could tell you what made this the best summer of my life. I can't remember any detail that matters. I do know that at no point did he come close to telling me that I was pretty, beautiful, attractive, sexy, funny or talented. I told him he everything a man would want to hear from a woman. I meant each compliment. Until the very end, I was oblivious to any flaw he had...including the fact he never gave me head. lol.

He's gone. I started dating around 13 and worked my way down a list of boys a mile long. I damn near always had my chance and to be honest, I checked them off my list like they were just another notch in my bedpost. I left a little room for most guys to realize they were loved and It wouldn't be bad to have a woman like me around on a permanent basis. I was faithful to each guy on that list. They always got a second chance if they left me once. They also got a third and fourth chance. I won't tell the world all of the secrets chris keeps. I love him. He's my neighbor. It's gonna hurt every time I drive by his house for the rest of my life. I do wonder if he'll think of me. The answer is No. The men I've loved haven't needed a seizure to wipe the slate clean when it comes to me. It often takes them about eight to ten years for them to realize what I offered. I was there. anytime he wanted me. No questions asked. Happy to see him. I didn't bitch. I didn't nag. I didn't fight. I wasn't passive aggressive. I was just pleasure and a much needed ego-boost. I am never going to be perfect. I always had the best intentions.

I am sorry I'm not able to chat. I'm better today than I thought possible. Maybe by tomorrow I can do something fun on this blog. It will all depend on whether my brain is still foggy. Thanks for reading this. your comments are deeply profound. They've made me realize that I can't be angry at myself. I can't be angry at him. I always knew I loved him but that he would never realize what happens when someone like him chooses to love me. When that happens, I can do amazing things that I can't do on my own. He probably thinks he would have had to support me. The irony is that I could've taken him to places and opened doors if he believed in me. I've got to brainstorm on how to open those doors without love and support. I have waited for someone to experience what happens when I actually try to get noticed and make waves. I know this profile looks like I've been working hard for a long time. I haven't begun to put any effort into what I do online. I've been playing. I've been holding back. Now, that I tried to be good and it got me nowhere, its okay if I'm bad, and it takes me everywhere.