Insomniac Ramblings
strange things happen to a man who often sees the hours between 3 and 5 am, and not immediately after waking up. after having been up for 16 + hours, hoping to see that sleep before he sees that sunlight creeping in the narrow windows near the ceiling in his dingy basement apartment. what was a dull mind all day begins to formulate wild thoughts and ideas that had not come upon him in the hours kept by the rest of society. and when these thought are the the clearest ones he has had all day, despite a mind that is clearly addled due to insomnia, he begins to crave those hours of the day more and more. once he slips into that cycle there is next to nothing that can break him of it. because though he craves sleep and a schedule more akin to that kept by the people in the tiny cublicle like apartments on all sides of him, he also wishes he could have mental clarity of this magnitude at all times. but when the 3 to 5 am hours are the only time it comes, he will stay awake just to experience them. as i write this it is 5:17 am, and i am that guy, awake just before sunrise, and not because my alarm clock just went off. i dont know if it is the absolute silence of the entire world around me, or the darkness, or some other less tangible factor that causes such mental midmorning clarity, but i love it. yes, i could block out all outside noise and light at any time in the day, but thats not enough to trick the brain into believing i really do have the world to myself, the way i do at 5 am. i will still know, in the forefront of my mind, that there are people on the sidewalks, and telemarketers preparing to call and offer great new deals on my long distance service that i do not want. its only now, in the wee hours of the morning, that i know there will be no interuptions and that i am free to do and be anything i want to be. the bars are all closed and the drunks have gone home. the stores are closed and there is not a pack of cigarettes to be had anywhere. there is just me and my thoughts and my notepad, and i am free to make of the world what i will. come sunrise that will change again, people will pile in cars and drive to work, go shopping, walk the dog, text, call, shout, and do all the other things regular people do along the escalator to nowhere that is life. there can only be true freedom and possibility in those remote hours of the day that so few of us see voluntarily. i know i should write more, and i often have what i would consider (though im sure many others would disagree) to be brilliant ideas and concepts that i will lose once ive slept and awoken to a world filled with sunshine and the teeming masses of the rest of humanity.
i'll tell you one more detail of being awake all night, alone with your thoughts, that nobody talks about. a sunrise is a beautiful thing, everyone says that. but what they dont tell you is it is a far more beautiful thing when youre not half asleep, rushing to get your teeth brushed, or the coffee made, or packing the k**s off to school. when youve had that quiet introspective time that can only be had in the dead hours of the night, it is far more beautiful to behold. sitting on the steps outside your home, or anywhere for that matter, smoking a cigarette and mulling over the things that have gone through your mind the evening before, knowing soon the most peaceful moments of your life will come, when full dark settles, not over the world but over you. knowing that after being alone with this magical moment, seeing the colors in the sky that can only be had in a sunrise, you shall finally rest, fully and completely, and experience the most profound peace anyone has ever known. watching those colors first bleed into, then out of the clouds drifting lazily across the sky, with the sound of the morning's first birds awakening, you feel serenity as you have never felt before. as you watch the smoke drift is slow ribbons off the end of the stick of tobacco in your hand that you know someday will be the death of you, nothing matters and all is truly right in the world. and that peace and perfection is the last thing you experience before doing what so many are just now coming to the end of, the most natural smile in the world lights your face. the dreams you are about to have will be sweeter, or if none come, the absolute nonexsistence you will experience once your head hits that pillow is almost too sweet to describe. one of the only truly perfect moments this world has left to offer. and so many are missing it, you feel lucky to be a part of the few, the tired, the brave, who have dared to brave a night alone with nothing but the thoughts in your head, real happiness is achieved.
i'll tell you one more detail of being awake all night, alone with your thoughts, that nobody talks about. a sunrise is a beautiful thing, everyone says that. but what they dont tell you is it is a far more beautiful thing when youre not half asleep, rushing to get your teeth brushed, or the coffee made, or packing the k**s off to school. when youve had that quiet introspective time that can only be had in the dead hours of the night, it is far more beautiful to behold. sitting on the steps outside your home, or anywhere for that matter, smoking a cigarette and mulling over the things that have gone through your mind the evening before, knowing soon the most peaceful moments of your life will come, when full dark settles, not over the world but over you. knowing that after being alone with this magical moment, seeing the colors in the sky that can only be had in a sunrise, you shall finally rest, fully and completely, and experience the most profound peace anyone has ever known. watching those colors first bleed into, then out of the clouds drifting lazily across the sky, with the sound of the morning's first birds awakening, you feel serenity as you have never felt before. as you watch the smoke drift is slow ribbons off the end of the stick of tobacco in your hand that you know someday will be the death of you, nothing matters and all is truly right in the world. and that peace and perfection is the last thing you experience before doing what so many are just now coming to the end of, the most natural smile in the world lights your face. the dreams you are about to have will be sweeter, or if none come, the absolute nonexsistence you will experience once your head hits that pillow is almost too sweet to describe. one of the only truly perfect moments this world has left to offer. and so many are missing it, you feel lucky to be a part of the few, the tired, the brave, who have dared to brave a night alone with nothing but the thoughts in your head, real happiness is achieved.
7 年 前